How obvious

You never notice how much you want someone till you spend a fun evening with them. Now all that I need to do is stop being such a panzy and see what happens. How lame am I?

The more I think about it,

the more I am disgusted. With myself more then anyone else. What kind of example are we setting? What kind of image are we promoting? How could we go this to God? We are the image barers of God. We have to awesome responsibility of representing God to the rest of the world and each day it feels like I let him down. I say and do things that as soon as its done I realize that I've nearly killed my witness.

I am suppose to be going into ministry. It is literal my job to show the love and character of God through my actions words and teachings and I couldn't be doing a worse job. Every day I wonder what I could possibly have to add to a conversation, why anyone would listen to me, and what God could do with me. Everyday I confess sins that play constantly in my head from that day, and days past and repent of sins I haven't even committed yet. I am so keenly aware of my sins and others sins since I accepted the call its eating me alive. I have no out let. I have no one on this side of the pealy gate to talk to. I need a helper, I need support. I need to know its working and that people are learning something from me.

If I knew that work was being done, that I had changed just one life I wouldn't feel this way. I just want everyone to know the joy I have found in God. I know it doesn't sound that but I really have found hope, love and joy in his grace. I only feel so lost because I don't see any change in those around me. I feel like its my fault. I feel like I'm failing the people in my life because I honestly feel like I'm a shepherd to them. I'm not afraid of people hating me, or being mad at me. If its biblical and honest I don't care what they think. I just want them to know the truth. What I am afraid of is that they will hear me reveal the truth and look at me and think "I know this guy. Who does he think he is to tell me what to do! I know what he has done and he is worse then me."

I don't know. I'm just starting to feel discouraged. But, I wont quit, I wont slow, I wont grow weary because God is my rock and I feel like I'm heading towards his plan for me. The world is just super dark and I'm a constant disappointment to myself.

un-fun

That is what life is.

Was selfish and for that I'm sorry. That old saying its not you, its me is actually true. At least you are happy.

You....

seem to make it better. Wish you knew that.

Preposterous!

Well if this isn't the most redonkulous of situations! Why on earth would either of us even consider something like that? ha ha. Way to go us!

This isn't right

The 20 year old shouldn't be more responsible then the 50 year old father. I am about to pay for my little sister's Clarinet so she can play in band and eventually play sax. Its so hard not to resent you dad. You robbed me of a normal childhood, you robbed me of a father and no you are robbing me financially. I can't wait to be nothing like you and to be the father I never had.

I would tell you

But I have no idea. I can't figure out what is wrong with me either. So don't feel bad that I don't tell you. I used to be so good at not letting it out, at not letting anyone know and now it seems like no matter what I do its like I have a neon sign above my head that says "COREY IS DEPRESSED!"

That is the only word I can come up with for it. I'm depressed. I can't seem to be happy. The only things I find enjoyment in anymore is baseball and reading. For no other reason then I can focus in on what is happening right then. Not about what is going through my head.

I used to always say that life is much simpler when you don't think about it. And I was right. I think my real problem is I can't stop thinking. About everything. I got 3 hours of sleep last night just because I kept thinking about everyone and everything. I need to get out of this place, I need a change, I need someone.